With Breaking Dawn Part 1 coming out soon, I thought I would try to get some hits from the vital 13-18 age market, by writing something about The Twilight Saga.
A sensitive teenage girl (you can tell she’s sensitive because she constantly wears the expression of a recently slapped Labrador puppy) called Prudence Gregory is moved to a town full of mythical creatures know as Weirdsville there she meets P-Ratz
P-Ratz is a sensitive teenage boy (you can tell he’s sensitive because he has big hair and looks like he’s on heroin), any ways Prudence falls for him and his big hair, then finds out he is a 110 year old vampire (She doesn’t find this in any way creepy or fucked up and decides that it’s not even slightly pedophilic* and goes ahead with having a relationship with an old man who looks like a teenage cunt).
Any way a baseball match latter (Why?) Some other Vampire’s are all like “I want some of that” about Prudence but not in a good way. Then a fight happens and it all looks a little bit House Of Flying Daggers, and it ends up with Prudence getting bit and P-Ratz has to suck the venom out of her but he’s all like “I so want some of that” but not in a good way and he loves here so he doesn’t have any. Then they go to the school prom together, as one would do after a series of traumatic near-death experiences.
Then its Prudence’s #BDAY (That’s what they call it on twitter, I think?) and she gets a paper cut and the guests who are vampires are all like “We’ll have some of that” but not in a good way so R-Patz says that it’s not cool to suck another guys girl off. Then he dumps her and then all the vampires move to a Castle, owned my Tony Blair/Michael Sheen.
Prudence goes off the wall a bit, and starts hanging out more with her friend Joben, but he’s an extremely unrealistic CGI werewolf and vampires and werewolves do not get on, so he’s not even going to get to first base.
P-Ratz, meanwhile, goes to Italy to piss off Michael Sheen, who is like the king vampire or something and can read people’s minds, but Prudence finds out about it, legs it to Italy, saves him with her love and then P-Ratz sort of proposes but Prudence has to become a vampire because, like, we all have to make sacrifices in relationships. (METAPHORS!)
And then I gave up, but the third one was called Eclipse, so I’m guessing it involved, the Werewolf and the Vampire going up into space to stop/make an eclipse Happen/Stop Happening.* I had to Google the spelling of that word and boy did it make me feel uncomfortable.