We Need To Talk About Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler? It’s a weird conundrum. In the mid-1990s he made a few funny movies. Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore were briefly hilarious. Somehow in this time period he amassed enough money to do whatever he wants and what Adam Sandler wants is to punish everyone. Even if you don’t see any of his terrible movies you will have them rubbed in your face every time you turn on the TV.

Let’s look at some of the films he has recently inflicted upon us all:

Adam Sandler pretends to be married to Jennifer Aniston to woo some sort of wooden dress doll. Jennifer Aniston has the appeal of a fat guy’s sweaty pants and shares that chemistry with Adam Sandler and a couple kids that should be driven over by a truck. 64% of Rotten Tomatoes voters are chemically-lobotomized sex offenders, so no surprise it snagged such a high audience rating.

All of the people you wish had died  by now and Chris Rock have made a movie. Adam Sandler got all his buddies together and released a formulaic, aging guys movie with a heavy dose of “Hard PG” raunchy slapstick. This is possibly the worst major film released in 2010. If you see this pop up on Love Film and you’re looking for laughs, you will have better luck with Requiem For A Dream.

That brings us to Sandler’s latest and most appalling creation.

Seeing this movie’s trailer will make you want to kill yourself and make an exit from this shitty little world. A machine will stare unfeeling at the horror unfolding before its receptrons, but a human wants to escape the agony to a place of peace where Jack and Jill can never touch him. We don’t just get Adam Sandler, we get him twice and he’s playing off himself for an entire movie. You see, one half of Adam Sandler is a scenery-chewing sub-humanoid you will almost instantly want to see dropped into a quarry and the other half is his sister. I hope you’re ready for 88 minutes of self-flagellation followed by a grotesquely earnest lesson about the importance of family. We fucking get it, Adam Sandler, you love your kids and your family and your Zohans.

Stop making movies about these things and stop finding uses for Nick Swardson and Kevin James. Did you even sit through Zookeeper? Really? You sat through it start to finish? I find that hard to believe.

By the way, the last three movies come to a combined total of 33% on Rotten Tomatoes. You can even add in Bucky Larson and Zookeeper (0% and 14%) and whatever Frankenstein of fat guy jokes and gay jokes comes out of that is still below 50%.

Think about that. Five movies combined, Adam Sandler, and you can’t even beat American Pie 2. I dare anyone reading this to attempt to remember any detail from American Pie 2. Anything. It’s impossible., Any memory of it you have is actually just the original American Pie. This sucking void of sameness ranked higher among critics than five recent Adam Sandler movies combined.

Normally I wouldn’t waste my semi-precious time excoriating a has-been movie star, but Adam Sandler crossed the movie star line a long time ago. You see, Adam Sandler is really loyal to his friends. He takes care of Kevin James and Nick Swardson. He makes sure Rob Schneider can put cocaine on his table and David Spade can afford the cobra venom injections in his crow’s feet. Basically all the comedians too weak to care for themselves have been placed in a zoo and fed pellets by Adam Sandler. Every year he opens the doors of the zoo so all his caged comedians can run free and maul the shit out of the concept of humor.

Fucking cut it out, Sandler. Nobody likes you anymore. Nobody wants more of this drivel. Year after year, incessantly advertised on TV. I don’t know what hedge fund is underwriting this shit, but it needs to be investigated by the FBI immediately. Some scheme somewhere is the only explanation for the financing of a death shit like Jack and Jill. Throw money out windows. Shoot drugs with it. Just stop inflicting your sappy garbage on us.

P.S, Before I posted this I realised I have been a tad blinkered, Funny People, was good and Punch, Drunk Love was fantastic, we know you can do good so where the fuck is it!

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About lammpost911

A Man who has nothing better to do that join all the social networking sites and talk shit.
This entry was posted in Lazy Reviews, Movie News, Proper Reviews. Bookmark the permalink.

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