Last night I went to Facebook looking for ideas for a post: my very helpful friends said I should review a porn film! Well they thought I was being ironic when I said I would look at a celebrity sex tape, but I was not! So in a desperate bid to get some more hits, I sat down with a mug of Hot Choc and the Tulisa Contostavlos sex tape!
SO THIS IS WHAT I WROTE!
X-Factor judge Tulisa Contostavlos has rightly condemned the act of exploiting the opportunities afforded by personal intimacy for one’s own gain, and bemoaned the blurring of the lines between public and private. Again, that’s X-Factor judge Tulisa Contostavlos.
After a video of her sucking someone off found its way on to the internet, Tulisa made the following statement in a video response.
“I am sure that everyone at home has had intimate moments with someone they cared about and never expected at any point that they would go and share it with the rest of the world.”
She went on:
“By the way, don’t miss the Best of The X-Factor 2011 DVD, which is out now. Featuring that bit where the one off of Little Mix started crying because of the self-esteem issues she’s carried all her life which had been exacerbated by online bullying we’d exposed her to, and we stuck a camera in her face and filmed the whole thing. Plus the bit where the guy’s gran died and we went round his house and filmed him and his family crying for a couple of hours, only agreeing to leave them to their grief after he’d said “I’m going to do it for her now” to camera enough times to get a decent take. And the unforgettable moment where we set fire to a small village in the Sudan so we could get a couple of good shots of the children crying over it. We set it to ‘Someone Like You’ by Adele..”
The tape its self is nothing to write home about, some shitty camera phone footage from the man’s prospective. It starts off in a very unsexy manner, as Tulisa struggles to get the cock in her mouth in the same way you chase a straw around a glass when you tackle it with no hands. She fails at this and then we jump cut to her wanking him off, she stares up at the camera and then spits on the cock as if to clean it off! A true highlight comes at 1:56 when she reverts into her hamster form and licks the tip of the cock like a guinea pig feeds on it water bottle.
Running at over 6 minutes it has some pacing problems, the sound is poor as often the dialogue is unheard and the camera work is sloppy. Even after all this, if it was eligible for the film of the year list (It isn’t as it isn’t a feature film but a short) it would have placed higher that Jack and Jill.